March 6, 1998 

Dear Mom, 

     Well, 5 weeks have elapsed, and I have (right on schedule) graduated to "Level 4" on the 5-Level system of behaviors and privileges, so I can at last use the computer!  (The level system is a quasi-economic model used to induce patients to behave, offering various privileges in return for compliance with rules needful to a well-organized society, e.g., avoiding fights, expressions of suicidal or homicidal ideation, etc.--at Level 1 you need an escort to go to the bathroom, at Level 5 you can go outside with an escort.)  Anyway, I've effortlessly sustained the "grueling" schedule of 10 "programs" a week which are required to sustain Level 4 (10 whole hours of various moderately interesting activities!), surprise, am I ready for a "graduate program", do you think? 

     Anyway, as I've mentioned, I'm probably in the calmest mental ward in the state forensic system--RPI's Forensic Unit  is said to be much nicer than either Kirby or the gigantic Mid-Hudson facilities, the unstable patients here are fewer and are in the upstairs ward anyway.  From the aspect of research re: institutionalization and madness, it's quite unrewarding, inasmuch as none of the inmates display much in the way of bizarre or antisocial behavior--e.g., crawling on all fours and barking and/or biting like a dog--well, OK, there are two guys who occasionally get raise their voices and one gentleman who founded the United Nations, but in truth it's much quieter in here than the average redneck bar (I recall the proprietor of the guitar store we used to frequent in Arkansas reminiscing over playing at the American Legion in the "Good Old Days" when they had a wire cage, as seen in the movie The Blues Brothers, to deflect beer bottles and chairs from the working musicians!)   

     Amusingly, there was a "relevant" story last week on Millenium (a charming series centering around a former FBI agent who has visions and has been recruited into the mysterious "Millenium Group" as a "consultant" investigating crimes related to The Advent of the End Times--"There are 665 days remaining"!!).  The plot centered on bizarre copycat murders seemingly commited by the patients in a Washington State Forensic Ward--charmingly, they did indeed bark like dogs and in general "act like" mental patients, with a lady inmate-candidate as the ward's psychiatrist (Frank Black, after watching a group therapy session through a one-way mirror and experiencing his clairvoyant flash-backs to the crimes on their minds, informs her "each of these patients, under the right circumstances and in the presence of sufficient stressors, will again commit these crimes," drawing the rebuttal "Where you see madness I see the possibility that treatment can succeed in rehabilitating these patients!".   She maintains her therapeutic aplomb even after the soup brewed up for the ward luncheon is found to contain--surprise!!!--the hand of the latest victim!!!--"I think you are insane!", she boldly declaims to Frank as she heads out for her car, evading Frank's pursuit, indignant and yet clueless that in the back seat of her car lurks--AN INSANE KILLER! 

     To make a long story short, the ward attendant, a Christian gent devoted to sucking the evil out of the inmates, is the one what done it: "He could draw the madness out of the patients--but found he could not control it..." 

     Well, anyway, the show is swell mostly because it's suspenseful and Lance Henriksen really does a very convincing Frank Blank, voodoo-hoodoo and all.  He supplements his clairvoyance with real forensic research techniques and some grasp of psychology, so it's not totally hoaky.  The most interesting thing is watching Frank try to come to grips with his own psychology and the truly mysterious Millennium Group. 

     So you'd asked about clinical indications and causes of Gender Identity Disorder... as I mentioned, the MMPI (Minnesota MultiPhasic Personality Inventory) has a scale related to gender identity, which like the other scales indicates something significant  if the score is over 65--mine was 75 or so--indicating a rather feminine self-identity; high scores for women correspond to a masculine identity.  On the House Tree Person drawing tests I also tend to produce typical transgendered/transexual results--I draw the gal first, and interestingly enough a relaxing dancer with my features and expression (according to "Dr." Povinelli, PhD!), and draw a tree with limbs which extend off the page (it beats me why this really indicative of anything other than an inability to draw to scale so the thing fits completely on the page, but many many curious things are held to be mysterious indicators of a person's inner mysteries  in clinical psychology!  One text by a psychiatrist I read amusingly stated that the usual first response to the request to make the drawings is... "but... I can't draw!"). 

     Basically this bothers me not at all, particularly since I realized that these tendencies are innate (or at least basically inalterable), and got over caring whether it bothered anybody else.  The funny part is that although I might prefer to be female/feminine, I'm a lesbian, a claim which I believe all the women I've loved will support!  There are actually good reasons to believe that most differences in gender or sexual preference are determined not just by the environment, not just by  genetics, but also by  the timing of critical development periods during infancy (the release of hormones at specific times during the development of the fetus and childhood determines various characteristics related to sexual differentiation, in the brain as well as other organs: evidently the "bed stria terminalis (BSTc)" is much larger in the brains of men than women, except transgendered men, who have small BSTc areas just as women do--it's as of yet unclear exactly what the function of the BSTc area is, but we can safely assume that it does something; experiments performed on sheep in which the female sheep fetus is exposed to masculinizing hormones slightly after the critical period for physical masculinization has produced lesbian sheep, which are perfectly ordinary reproductively competent sheep--except that that behave just like rams, right down to mounting sheep despite their lack of the appropriate equipment!). 

     So anyway, God obviously loves diversity, or else there would be fewer extravagances in the universe such as exploding galaxies and other inefficiencies and incongruities denounced by The Dark One in the (humorous) movie The Time Bandits--"Two hundred and twenty-seven species of parrots... nipples for men!  If I'd be in charge, things would be different--Day One, 8 AM, lasers!"  As it turns out, the Hubble Space Telescope recently provided evidence which confirms that the center of our humble galaxy is dominated by an enormous black hole which is some thousands of times more massive than our really really humble sun.  Myself, I happen to agree with mathematicians and physicists who speculate that there are an infinite number of parallel universes, some different in exceptionally trivial ways, and others dramatically different--so what does it matter (except perhaps to us) whether the processes of life in any one universe are a trifle inefficient in sustaining "intelligent life", which probably is not exactly what the whole exercise is about in the first place? 

     To return to more prosaic concerns, as I mentioned, I'm forgoing retaining another psychiatric "expert" for the defense side of the case... I'm motivated partially by the fact that I'm sick of burdening Tompkins County with ridiculous expenses (it would be about $2500 for the evaluation), partially by the fact that the additional opinion is likely to be ridiculous ("My gut opionion is that he probably suffers from paranoid schizophrenia", bah humbug!), partially by the fact that I think retaining an alternate expert will tend to make the State psychiatrists prep for a conflict and "heat up" their opinions, and partially by the fact that I think listing the conflicting diagnoses I've received and making a few clear statements under oath will make it clear that whatever diagnoses are made, psychiatry is no science, and there's good grounds to believe that I would have been A-OK if only I had not gone to my last therapist/psychiatrist and gotten a prescription for Prozac.   

     Speaking of which, it would probably  be helpful if you made out a notarized statement regarding your perceptions and opinions on the effects of Prozac on my behavior...  Evidently nobody thinks it improved my disposition--but the psychiatrists have seemed reluctant, so far, to attach any blame to the drug, even though induced mania in 1 out of 140 patients in the clinical trials preceding its approval!   

     I mentioned the bill that's likely to come due for this "vacation," which one semi-notorious loony ("They're violating my rights!") in the ward here claims run $800/day... what? $48,000 for my 60-day "evaluation"?????? One point worth noting is that they're aware of my financial situation, and insamuch as I 1) don't qualify for Medicaid and 2) obviously lack the resources to pay the bill myself, they're presumably that much more likely to classify me as suffering from a disability (although Social Security Medicare coverage wouldn't apply for another 6 months, which they presumably take to really scrupulously verify your application, there's a special Medicaid category for the disabled awaiting Medicare coverage).  This is simplified since I myself acknowledge that I'm slightly crazy, which (significantly) is an important criterion for allowing loonies to roam (relatively) free: if you deny that you have a problem, then you have a really bad problem! 

     Fascinating how the bureaucracy  works.  Funny, I had never thought that studying the military-industrial-academic complex would have any practical use in my life, but the knoweldge has turned out to be applicable over and over again, at Cornell, and now coping with the Rites of Micky Mouse in a formal clinical setting! 

     Well, ta, I hope you are doing well and that the coming spring will be nice down in LR.  Please let Mike know that I'm doing OK, even if the experience has been a bust as far as research is concerned!